I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
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I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!