The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
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My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now