Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
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I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
What’s so funny?
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
This fish is cracking me up