If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
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After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
I need to get some bricks…
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!