This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
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Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.