Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
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why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint