Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
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Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
They did not think through this water fountain
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
No, he would not have.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER