I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
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Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.