My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
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me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.