I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
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Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.