me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
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Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
fly smarter, not harder
Brb my Sims are getting married
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
just pretend nothing happened
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.