Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.

Same post same

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”

Your move, government.

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.

Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”

[Vaccination center]

Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me