Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
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[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me