Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
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Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies