My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
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I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.