The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
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My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
My neck, my back, my…
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me