HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
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The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Cats are still liquid.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.