If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
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Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
I’m giving up for Lent.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.