If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
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– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D