Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
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Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.