Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
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i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”