@Maxine12333

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

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@flashember

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

@_sweet_ham

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

@WheelTod

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

@lemonmartinis

Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad

@StephiHill

Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.

@IamJackBoot

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

@EJGomez

jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross

@dulcetry

One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt

@Birdhumms

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.