Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
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I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
He took my last fry, your honor
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)