“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
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I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.