Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
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Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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