I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
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Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*