Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
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What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
*jazz hands*
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?