Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
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Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?