I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
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Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”