Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
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Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Why are bridges so flammable.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Perfect.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance