I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
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Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English