Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
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[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
me and who
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”