When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
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The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.