Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
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Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest