AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
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“I’m helping” 😅
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave