I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
🛁
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”