Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
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When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant