next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
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My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.