next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
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Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
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If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
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Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
[eats all your cotton candy]
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.