Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
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Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
i spent way too long on this
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark