*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
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Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.