the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
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I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
my mom making me talk to relatives
Who does Amazon think I am?
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?