God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
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Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Yes
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?