Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
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If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket