Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
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Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
this FaceApp is creepy af
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper