“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
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I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Breaking news:
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.