“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
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I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
don’t we all
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
im 7 sauces long
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.