My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
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Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
…żyje?
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit