Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
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(by @ZachWeiner )
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?