Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
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[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.