I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
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If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Called it
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
It’s an epidemic…
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!