The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
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*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
i think we should see other cousins
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
house sitting!
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
How do you like your Corgi?
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*