*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
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Dance like you’re not the father
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up