dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
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what are they serving at kfc then???
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
*struts into the new year
~ trips